Felocity

And we're back!

Well, I have been addicted to Diablo 2, and man has this taken a backseat to everything else. Probbaly the biggest thing I have been devoting time to is my webpage, as a sudden urge to have it done gave me the energy to pick it up and resume writing content. That and I finally got everything set up in a Dreamweaver template or 2. Well, so far two, ultimately a lot more when I am done. I also began working on Stardust again, the RPG project a friend of mine and I began at the end of last year, and then I worked on during the summer. Should and of the Stardust Dev. Team happen across this, we are going to try a modified d20 system, I am just not sure how yet. ^_^…

Hmm, I really ought to make these more frequent than every few days. Seems like when I do it in the spurt of a few days, I end up missing a lot of stuff I intended to cover. It's Thursday night, and part of my friday is going to be spent appologising and stuff. Why? I just missed my ASAP appointments for the day. I spend the day addicted to Evercrack light. Let me explain.

For those that don't know me too terribly well, I am a complete and absolute computer nerd. We are talking -to the core-. And it often distracts me so badly, I miss things. You know, like eating, sleeping, working, classes....…

Yes, there is a difference between loving someone and seeing someone. The thing is, not a lot of people bother to give it enough thinking time. Even I don't, but at 8:00 on a Friday, you can't really expect me to think of anything even remotely productive do you? I probably should be at the wrap party for a senior capstone. (For those that don't know, a wrap party is a -wrap up- party for those that helped make a film. Hey, any excuse to party.) But, no, instead I am here thiking about love and relationships. Go figure.

First off, let me restate there is a difference between loving someone and seeing someone. I am pointing this out because it is what I am trying to prove. I am going to use several examples of how you can love someone and not be seeing them, and then I will show some examples of how you can be seeing someone and not love them. Through this method, I will show that although I may love people (hint hint) I am not seeing them. Why am I not seeing them even if I love them? Well, you see the examples, and you be the judge of that. JKa and I - This is the first example to bless us with its presence. Yes, I do think I truly love her, and yes she says that she does love me. However, we are not seeing each other because of the distance. We live across the United States, and to try and form a long distance relationship is not something either of us are looking to do at this point (or in the immediate future). I do, however, care about her very deeply, far more than I do for the well being of most of my friends. It goes beyond normal caring though. To simply say that I care is not enough. It feels as if the word itself is not fully capable of expressing the capacity for which I care and want the best for her. And yet, we are not going out. (Ed- That is as of this posting. Should something change later, then I guess my argument falls apart.) Rae and Mark - Two friends from college, who have admitted that they love each other, but are not seeing each other because their academics come before everything else, and I do mean everything. Those two even set aside their social lives in the name of homework. When asked, both of them said that they love the other person far too much to start seeing them. They have surpassed the bf/gf love and have reached a level of care and concern for each other that is almost overpowering. …

It's late, and it's Saturday. I really should be out doing something, and more importantly, I should be talking to JKa on the phone. My family roped me in to a celebration today, which kept me off the computer until about 11 'o-clock or so. So now here I am, a half-hour to midnight, writing in my little piece of OD goodness. Saw the new EC diaries, and I can't help but feel bad for them. EC has got to be the worst curse around. I can't imagine responding to all those notes. I make a point of reading/responding to all of mine, but to start sifting through them by the hundreds and knowing all those people are reading your Diary... I must say, I do hope I never acquire EC. I don't need my diary being put on the front page for all to see. I am happy with my little group of people who found me one way or another.

I created some ringtones for my phone today as well. The Nokia 8290 has five ringtone slots. In them are the following: FLCL (anime), Butterfly (That Japanese song... Ayie Ayie Ai, you're my little butterfly...), Axel F (think Beverly Hills Cop), Blue by Eiffel 65, and "I Only Kiss When the Sun Goes Down" (my staple ringtone) by the Vengaboys. I needed to do something to occupy myself while I was waiting with family and they were all talking. I so badly wanted to talk to JKa.…

It seems the more I write here, the more entries are becoming more and more private. It isn't so much I don't want people to know. Many of you read "Down" and many of you responded. And then I realized how many people out there know me and potentially could read this. So the name changed. M became |/| and now it does not come up in a search. I had to, despite my not wanting to. I don't want to be found by the people from Oakmont. Not here, nto where I divulge my thoughts, fears, and ambitions. It already happened. Happened once before. With someone I thought was my friend. I keep telling people that was why I divoced my diary from my site, and I never told them the actual event. So, let us step back now...

This story is dated back to my second version of an online presence, site design number 2. The site is still up at mechanicalruins.hypermart.net only the journal is no longer there. The site will slowly change, it is evolving. And the new site that is the new (and hopefully improved) me will take its place. So anyway, I had my site, and I kept a diary which contained my thoughts along with various other things. This was pre December of last year, almost a year ago, when I was just starting my breakup with Sara, my first girlfriend, first kiss, first person I truly fell for. I got an email from two people about how they goofed off, smoked pot, etc. I didn't know how to take it. First, it was a random email out of the blue, and second it was right on the tail of my best friend telling me he smoked pot. This is where the whole distase from pot came from, for those following along. So I wrote in my journal about how much I hated pot and how it was changing people. They were doing something harmful and how they had no regard for themselves. So I wrote about it.…

I deal. Plain and simple, this has always been my solution to everything. I simply cope with what is going on in my life, accept it, and move on. It makes me cold sometimes, and makes me very unfeeling, but then again, that too, I accept. I decide it isn't worth being mad, so I vent briefly. My keystrokes transfer the energy I have inside, form, shape, and mold it into words. Then I move on. Yesterday was exactly why I had no choice but to move on.

I put off my homework in favor of going to the beach with CB and Erica. Was okay really, since I made myself get over the whole Jake kissing CB thing. After all, we are all just a bunch of friends, right? Anyway, so we walked the beach and talked, and all sorts of things. And I found out a lot about Erica. The more I know about her, the more I come to respect her as a person. She is simply awesome. Her life has been one of hell, and she triumphed. She is making it on her own after having been in New York, after having been in several different cities, at age 21 now - she is on her own and proud. …