It was inevitable that a piece of fanfic writing would irritate me, and it was just as likely I would respond to it in a semi-public forum. However, since this post was far too harsh for the FF ANBU, it ended up here instead.
Title: Omoide Culprit Author: Sazuran Summary: So rehashed Original Character plot it makes kittens cry Warnings: Laced with wit, licked with a sharp tongue What got it here: Flat diction, horrible PoV, bad tense issues, and an underdeveloped OC I don't actually run around in many fandoms, probably because I have an awful fear of being consumed by that which I can't stand. However, I was asked to drop my $0.02 into the FF ANBU, and so here it is. This is what I get for being a smartass around C.
Everything I would like to say about Omoide that FanFiction.net won't let me.
Dear Sazuran, it's me, the English language. I know it's been a while since we've talked, but I wanted to let you know that while you have forgotten about me, I will never forget about you. Just please, stop your angsty gothy psuedopoetry at the beginning and end of your chapters. And if you are going to be dark and angsty at least vary your words a bit. Nothing saddens me more than a dark brooding person that doesn't know what "brooding" means. Love, luck, and lollipops, English.
There are different levels to the amount of "crap" in a fic, its quantification if you will. Sometimes there are just minor errors like the inability to spell "your" and other times the problem is the author stuck the keyboard up their ass sideways just to see what came out on the screen. This falls somewhere in the middle. The casual lack of tense and thinking AIM style prose makes it read more like an IRC conversation than an actual story. Before I completely rip this apart on the basis the author is unable to write, I might as well first address its presentation. The first and most important rule on the Internet is do not manually indent paragraphs. If they were meant to be indented on the Internet, there would be a feature that would let someone do this. Directly related to this, if you start indenting, don't stop indenting halfway through. Otherwise, it looks like you didn't even bother to read your story once it was posted. And lastly, separate your author notes and changes in scenes with style.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Note the elaborate curls, the waste of space, and the excessive alternating * and ~. The only thing worse would have been using ASCII art
See, simple, clean, and if you center it, it takes on a likeness similar to how a real author does it. But, we aren't here to establish Sazuran as an author, in fact so far we have managed to do quite the opposite.
I'm not one to usually argue tense, but telling an entire story in the present tense, while stylistically can be interesting, falls very short in this story. For some reason, lines such as All of them run toward the disturbance, eyes set, their vision tunneled on the invisible victim in the woods. actually make me feel no emotion or sense of urgency whatsoever. It might be the misunderstanding of what tunnel vision really is, or perhaps the fact that "runs" is such a plain word for something apparently so active. Ninjas don't just run. They dash, they dart, they sprint, they Use Better Words No Jutsu, anything other than "runs". Probably my biggest annoyance with writing is an authors inability to express their words correctly. You don't pick a boring word unless the action is genuinely boring. Running in what appears to be a hurry (tunnel vision?) isn't just running. Running is something you do with weights on your ankles. This isn't the only time the author does it though. If you don't believe me, watch how I make these lines below instantly better by replacing the verbs. The ninja instantly strikes back and, surprised, the girl flies back, striking a tree. The ninja struck back, and surprised the girl slid back, colliding with a tree.
The skull creaks as he bears down on it, and the ninja begins to cry. Correction, I am not touching this one. Skulls just don't creak, okay? Anyway, this continues through all chapters in its present-tense unexciting tone. And just when the story couldn't get any more boring, the author introduces the bane of FanFiction: an original character.
Suddenly the center of attention (and the story), Ame becomes locked in an epic duel while the reader is left writhing on the ground in torment. I don't want to say there is an obvious equation for an OC, but it seems to be: 1 part girl 1 part story she likes 1 part character she lusts after subtract all reason beat until frothy, serve without commas
I am considering giving all fanfiction authors a plot device. A little black box with a red button that, when pressed, remove the need to even pretend there is a plot behind the story. I think it would simplify chapters in FanFictions, because then the author could boink whoever they want and the reader is spared the 6 chapters of attempted justification. This entire story could be shortened to: "Ame pressed the plot device, Kakashi jumped her and she made love to him. It was the best love ever. Then she pressed the button near Sasuke. They both forever loved her because she was so attention starved in her pre-pubecent years." See, wasn't that easier to read than 6 chapters of boring drivel?
By the end of this story, the author has added a few other creations that exist only to make Ame the center of the anime Naruto. And now, where this fic leaves off is the entire reason Jakob slapped on the ANBU gauntlets and started writing.
OK, vote time. Who should Ame stay with? I think polls will be open until.... How about Januray 29th? No? Too bad. That's when polls will close, regardless of your puny and insignificant opinions! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I cried when I read this. I then proceeded to look through Naruto-Survivor fics hoping I could find a way to vote Ame off. Unfortunately, all I got from the experience was minor migraines. The author instead wants everyone to decide who should fall in love with her original character, nevermind the fact my left shoe has a better personality. Amusingly enough, not a single person has offered their opinion on the matter, but the author still wrote and added a final chapter. It finished with in the last Author's Note worth quoting: OK, so that was a nothing chapter. -_-. Sigh. I'm stuck.
I want to close with saying being "stuck" is usually a common side effect of spewing garbage into the Internet. Not to be outdone by her lack of control however, the inability to type and form phrases spill right into the reviews, but I will let you read those. I used to think "omglol11! u shuld write moer!1" was a joke. Oh how I was wrong.
I wonder if "omg!11 plese stop writing ur fics bc u are fuking horible" would work. Any takers?
In response to "Attack of Fanfiction Annoyance":
Holy crap Jakobo, marry me please! I never knew you could flame oh-so-good. My heart is fuzzy-wuzzy.