I can't believe how far back this all goes...it is really kinda strange to flip back to the start of my diary in November when Sara and I broke up and to see just how much I have changed. Hell, just to see how much everything as a whole has changed. Part of me thinks this could be the reason I am redoing my website, as the old one really just doesn't fit me anymore. That, like a year ago, was a symbol of the old me, and not a reflection of who I am now and what I am doing with my life. One year ago of this day I was on my way to Oregon to see my girlfriend who I loved so much and would give the world for. One year ago this day I thought nothing could ever bring me down, and that the worst a bad day at work could do was make me grumpy for a few hours. One year ago, I felt that the world was me, my computer, and the internet, and that any kind of life that existed outside of my shell of a world consisting of only a few friends and then my online internet community was just me talking nonsense to myself, for I fully believed that I really couldn't be outgoing and social.
That was one year ago.
Mentally I jumped the years I despised, the ones that I felt would follow in the aftermath of Sara and I breaking up. My friend told me that it always takes twice the time of the relationship to truly let go and get over it. Thanks to her being cold to me (be it unintentional or otherwise) I found myself not really caring about what she said, did, or thought of me. It is an odd feeling actually, when you realize that what someone says is intended to hurt you and so you pay it no heed. It is a sort of level of understanding I suppose, and I am grateful I came to it quicker than most seem to. That doesn't mean I don't sometimes sit and wonder what she is doing, or how life is treating her. I honestly think she is going to be successful in whatever it is she decides to do. I can still see her smiling face and her smirk that was her trademark as vividly now as I did back then. But now when I look back on it, it is in fondness, not in pain. It is for this I am ultimately thankful. And while Sara will never read this, perhaps one day I will get to thank her. There were certain circumstances when we started going out, and had she not been there to talk to and to listen, things could have been for the worse. One day though, in the form of a hand written letter, I will thank her. And Charrie too, because I think she slapped me around until she knocked a few screws loose. Which, I might add, was a good thing for my stoic sorry ass. They both deserve the utmost thanks for touching my life for the better, despite all the pain, and I may never get a chance to thank them in person - look them in the eye, and tell them how much the mean to me.
If there is a God, perhaps he meant for a lesson to be learned in this.
Seems that this past year has been a large uphill climb. These past 99 entries have shown the start at the bottom of a downhil spiral that left me devestated, and have been my life as I slowly worked to rebuild my life into what it is now. I doubt I could really be happier, and looking at the big picture, if Sara and I hadn't broken up, I never would have become such good friends with Sarah, wouldn't have gone to Illinois at Easter, and KK and the others wouldn't be leaving right about now on a road trip that ultimately ends on my front doorstep. Seems life has a funny way of working like that.
Come to think of it, life has always had a funny way of working like that. No matter how crappy my life was getting, eventually it hits the point where things start to turn around again. I know there will be another downer in my life somewhere, because of something, at some time. But I also know that I will eventually triumph and bring my life to sorts again. It has happened before, will happen again. And that doesn't just go for myself either. It has happened with other friends as well, as I see them drop and fight back up constantly. And they do manage to fight back up to where they were before. There really isn't a "give up" anymore, it is simply a lack of care to try. You only will get depressed if you let depression get you, and you will only succeed if deep down you want to.
And it took me almost 19 years to learn this. Goodnight my friends and may your prosper in everything that you do.
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